I Make Ears Bleed…

I make ears bleed…or at least I try. Ten services is a lot to do. My patience was definitely tried. By the end of service #8, I was ready to just walk out…leave it all behind. Well, not exactly, but lets just say that it was a rough weekend for ole Nahum, here. Either way, We finish that 8th service, and an older gentlemen walks up to the booth that BJ and I are sitting in and approaches us by saying in a fairly angry voice: "Are you TRYING to make our ears bleed?!". This gentleman proceeded to verbally lash the audio aspect of that service while I'm already having a fairly difficult time just staying in the booth. After probly 5 minutes of this guys verbal lashing, I apologized and said that it was not my intent to try and make his ears bleed (although, I must say that there were many other words running through my head, but fortunately God was definitely giving me some much needed patience for the guy) and he walked away. All of that said, BJ is a great friend…and everyone should have the priviledge of knowing her. On a seperate note, I really miss Whitney (she's been in Cali since a week ago Sunday.). Only 6 days until I get to see her again. I'm currently on vacation. Call me if you want to talk…if I don't pick up, don't be dis-heartened, just know that I'm screening calls and might be in a less that opportune time to be able to talk. Have a great week!

N out.

reflecting on reflections

i'm in one of those moods where i would love to reflect, but don't have any clue as to what to reflect on. i'm coming to you from latte´ land (i kinda feel like i'm cheating). but, regardless of where it is that i broadcast from, this is where i feel like i should be. what other details in life should i be looking for? i have a feeling that my life is going to start to get a little turned up on it's head. i kind of think thats what God has been preparing me for…chaos. before this year, life was going smoothly without much question to any part of it. that was then, this is now. this year has been out there. i've hit financial troubles, relationship troubles, lice epidemics, chronic car problems, and so on an so forth. but i made it through all of it…as wierd as it is to think that, i made it through all of the trials. in spite of everything thats been thrown at me, i'm still here. i'm still kickin. and are you ready for the real shocker? as of late, i've been feeling much more joyful of my endeavors. i feel like i'm beginning to do things with passion and inspiration again. i want to not live life according to a bunch of motions that are in line with what "life should look like". i want and desire a life of passion and energy and inspiration of the divine nature. i want a life that has nothing but a divine breath of life with every word and action and note and beat and lyric. i want to be unmistakably filled with a life beyond life.

Oh you're everything I'm wanting
Come to think of it, I'm aching
On account of my transgression..
Will you welcome this confession?

I know it's crazy but I'm hoping to..
To take a hold of you

and i think thats what i'm least impressed with myself on. don't get me wrong, i don't mean to sound arrogant, but of all my character flaws, i think that the one i wish that i could change the most would be my inability to quiet myself and just listen. i think that life would go much smoother if i would just quiet myself and listen…to everything. what would life look like knowing where to go and what to say, not what i wanted for either, but what He wanted me to say. like i said, a life existence made entirely of divine exhalings. sends chills down my spine it would be so good. many chills.

The Lifeblood of Coffee

I'm tired. Super tired. I didn't sleep well last night. I kept having ideas and thoughts run through my head and I couldn't calm down or wear myself out. I shot up at about 1 or 1:30 in the morning (knowing that I had to be up at 6:30 this morning) and had a great idea for a parody video. I'm super stoked about the next 2 videos that we're gonna try and kick out. Brandon and I are going to get together at some point today and work some ideas out. I'm excited about 'em…should be pretty funny. Just so you know the history of Brandon and I's writing, we've essentially written 3 scripts and made one video. The video we made was super humorous if you like dry, sarcastic humour and know anything about who we were talking about. The second script had was possibly the funniest thing I've ever read, let alone written…and it was mysteriously deleted. The third one we did was pretty funny, but it was for the sole purpose of advertising something and we were given way too short of notice to actually produce the video in time for when it needed to be shown. So, that said, with these two upcoming scripts, hopefully we'll have time to actually do them. Now all we need is the proper software to get the job done (one of them will be experimenting with something I've never done before that I don't actually have the software to pull off yet). Anywho, that's what's going on in my world…let's see what's happening in your neck of the woods!

I just don't know

Every now and again I get scared. Not uneasy…hurts to breath, don't know where I'm at scared. Ever happen to you? I can't explain the feeling…but I assure you that it's not a pleasant one. Whit is still in San Diego. She gets back Thursday. I miss her so much. When I'm with her, it just feels right and good. My world is caving in because I don't know what to do. She's probly going to move back to San Diego…when you're with her there, you just get this feeling that she belongs. I love her and don't know what to do. I guess that I just need to humble myself and seek direction.

Stay Classy, San Diego

So here I am…San Diego. Where I’m staying doesn’t have wireless. Not a huge deal, but once you get used to such a commodity, you almost feel naked without it. Speaking of naked, I’ve got nothing to tie in to such a point…although I might buy a wireless router, if’n I can find an apple store around here (kinda hard cuz I don’t have a wireless connection). Anywho, I woke up according to the time that I usually do based on the central time zone, which is usually around 7:30 or so…which means that I woke up at 5:30 pacific time. Sucks, I know. So I tried to sleep for an hour and seemingly failed, and at 6:30 I called my dad. Then I went outside and read for about an hour. I love mornings…I wish that I enjoyed more of them. The day hasn’t yet had a chance to take a turn for the worse. How cynical is that thought? Ever get that thought running and just let it go? It’s not a good thing. The day is ruined when you give that thought free reign on your mind. I think that’s why God tells us to capture our thoughts and be very wary of what goes on in our intellectual realm. One thought can ruin a day…a year…a decade…it can make us get up in the morning and go to bed at night. Who knew that one thought could be so inspiring and so destructive.
I love writing. I really feel that God begins to reveal things to me when I write. I wish that I did it more. Such is life, I would imagine…or at least the American view of how life should be. Too busy to live. Somewhere along the line, I decided to buy into this way of life…hasn’t payed off so much. In being too busy to live life, I challenge my relationships with everyone to push a line farther than was ever meant to be pushed. In some cases, I’ve even pushed people away…how does that work? How is it that we can justify pushing people away in pursuit of employment? Sub-ponder: why is it that every time I begin to draw lines between work and life that more attempts are made to blur that line further than previously has been blurred? My answer: War. We’re at war. You, me, war. It’s a life that we’ve been born in to whether or not we realize it. For every advancement that I make in my spiritual life, there’s an opposing force there to meet me with equal and opposite force against whatever steps I may have taken. Newton sure hit that one on the head…makes you wonder if maybe he was talking less about physics and more about life, you know? Either way, I leave you with this. No matter what life throws at you, it’s never as bad as you think it is…when you’re in the middle of the storm, you’re too scared to see the beauty of what’s being orchestrated on around you.

I'm not the only one...

So, in a dialogue with a man of whom I deeply respect, I finally un-earthed my long since buried dislike of Ford motor vehicles. That's right, I said it. Ford may be my least favorite of automobile manufacturers. Have you ever seen a Ford Ranger that doesn't have a dent in the front fender? The answer is no, you haven't. I know that I've gotten into an accident in mine. Why, may you ask, does every Ranger have a dent in the front. Well, let me tell you. The brakes don't work. Seriously. You slam on the brakes because the moron in front of you doesn't really know how to drive, and WHAM. You hit 'em anyway. How does that work? How is it that the brakes have only one job and it can't quite fullfill it's duty? I will say this, would this happen in most corporations throughout America with personnel, said personnel wouldn't be working at said corporation for very long.

There is a point, I promise. Through this conversation, i realized something. Even though I'm worn down and tired, God used Cameron to ignite a fire within me. God showed me that He wired me to function against the grain…that no matter how drained and abused I'm feeling, there's still a holy fire that burns within me waiting to explode and consume and ignite other fires. How amazing would it be to see such a holy wildfire ignite and burn and consume. I tell you, we're in the middle of it. Lives are changing and minds are being blown away with grace and mercy. This brings me to my other point.

I'm up at the church today to do some work. For being part-time, I've got a substantial workload. Regardless, my plans for the evening got pushed back and I was fairly frustrated with this. It was really eating away at me and I was dreading having to stay longer. So I had to leave and give a friend of mine's father a ride to the airport. We had a pleasent conversation on the way up and on the way back to church I heard a Death Cab for Cutie song playing. I think that Death Cab writes with an incredible sense of how to make you picture the scene surrounding each lyric that is sung. Either way, this song just caused me to begin picturing life and through this picture, I think that God was trying to tell that it's time that I slow down and enjoy Him. I keep running harder and faster with each passing week and feeling evermore tired and drained and I think that God's trying to tell me that I need to let Him handle the workload and let Him take care of the time, that He made me to enjoy Him...how refreshing a feeling. Finally, life was meant to be lived and enjoyed and I feel like He's giving me permission to do so. Life will get you down…that's obvious. But when you're in so deep that you can't see out, there's a guiding light waiting for you, patiently, to show you the way home. I promise.

I love You. I love God. I love life.

Humbling or humiliating...

So this week I hit a never-thought-pre-kids-reachable low: Lice. That's right, This past weekend, we found lice in my hair. Well, let me clarify: we found eggs in my hair. This experience has been a living hell. Ironically enough, Derek went through a class this week that talked about one of the seven plagues back in Moses' was lice. And I must say...it is a nightmare. And it's freaking expensive. Today was my first egg-free day. This entire week I've wasted being angry and bitter and resentfull and I've gotta say that I don't know whether it was worth it. Sometimes I think we're put through situations where we feel humiliated and we waste all of our time focusing on the one thing that we could've done different or if we would've known this or feel that...in reality it's just a humbling thing to have to go through. I got lice because I gave a 3 year old boy a hug and chose to show him love. His sisters have been getting called names on the bus. This whole ordeal has been a huge pain in the rump and I haven't slept well in a week, thus making it that much harder. But if this is the way God chose to show members of a family that people love and care, even through thick and thin, then I can only praise God for giving me a chance to take part. Thank You, Father.

of all the bars on all the boulevards...

It's been a day...in fact, it's still chugging through. Only another hour or so left and I can just call it done. I've been through every emotion and time management issue that one person can go through...and I've been through it all in the past 5 hours. I'm definitely drained...just another hour. But the crazy thing is that I wouldn't have it any other way. If one person opens their heart to God, getting to be apart of that is worth every stressfull moment. I will praise You, Father, because even thought it's so hard to keep going, I feel You here with me. I love You, Father, and I'm sorry that sometimes I don't show it.

The corporations are being all corporationy...

I just got off the phone with my bank. They've told me that they're not going to live up to the agreement and one of their representatives and I had come to. This hurts. I'm not giving up quite yet. We agreed upon what comes to around $230 in credits going back to in to my account. And to think that someone said something just to get me off the phone is quite absurd. Oh well. Either way, as I look at my account balance, what little there is, I began to feel the comfort of the Spirit fill me. I know everything's going to be ok...and I praise God for the chance to rely on Him to pull me through such a hard time. I've been kicked down and all around with this bank crap and I'm sick of it. I'm throwing Bank of America to the curb.

It's really hard to praise God in the middle of the darkest of times. I guess that if life were easy, the journey through it wouldn't be nearly as exciting. I've hit a rough spot, everyone does, but I know God will help me through this...All I have to do is let him. Now there's a difficult one to grasp: Laying down myself enough to admit to needing help. I praise you Father for being so good to me and blessing me in ways that are new with each day.

Rants on the word of "Hello"

Welp, I come to you on this rainy early morning to say hello. Not much more than that, just a hello. It amazes me how one word can be so hard to say. Hello. Not hard to type...yet most of the time I find myself shying away from saying one 5 letter word. That said, I've never found it hard to meet and/or love people for who they are, but it seems as though lately I just haven't felt up to saying that one word to anyone, really.

hel?lo? [he-loh, huh-, hel-oh] noun, plural -los, verb, -loed, -lo?ing.
Â?interjection
1. (used to express a greeting, answer a telephone, or attract attention.)
2. (an exclamation of surprise, wonder, elation, etc.)
3. (used derisively to question the comprehension, intelligence, or common sense of the person being addressed): You're gonna go out with him? Hello!

There. We've defined the word under debate for the morning. Have you ever pondered a word and the long-term repercussionss of that word? From the definition above, we learn that the word "hello" is used to express a greeting, sound excited, and insult the intelligence of another. I think this covers only half of the word. I petition that, over the course of time, we begin adding in the dictionary what a word does, not just what it means. Confused yet? I think that words not only mean a specific definition or definitions, I believe that words actually do something. Our words not just mean something, but they do something, as well. I think if we look at it this way, it's no wonder why verbal abuse is so damaging and why it takes so long for the pains from verbal attacks to come to the surface. The word "hello", for instance, not only means what it says above, but it also is the first hit at knocking down a wall of insecurity between two people that might not know each other. Without "hello", I would not have met some of the greatest people that are presently in my life. So, I propose we begin to write our vocabulary definitions with a slightly different approach.

Example:

hel?lo? [he-loh, huh-, hel-oh] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation interjection, noun, plural -los, verb, -loed, -lo?ing.
–interjection
1. (used to express a greeting, answer a telephone, or attract attention.)
2. (an exclamation of surprise, wonder, elation, etc.)
3. (used derisively to question the comprehension, intelligence, or common sense of the person being addressed): You're gonna go out with him? Hello!
Subconcious Actions:
1. First of many uncomfortable oral attempts to break through insecurities of trying to get to know someone not yet known.
2. Lets people know that you've cared enough to make public knowledge that they exist.
3. In varying applications, leaves one feeling not worthy enough to let inner thoughts reach the outside world for fear of a great lack in support for said idea or passing thought.

That said, in the grand spectrum of time, I am but a speck on the timeline. I know that God created me for great things, and it's up to me to seek God's direction in what those great things are. They say that actions speak louder than words, but I say that it depends on the context. My actions can be great feats or devastating blows, and so can my words. The difference is my words will sit and fester and continuously run through the head of those that received them, but my actions will heal with a greater efficiency of time. The thing that I ponder now is this: Are my words spoken with a hint of the divine, breaking through insecurities and encouraging forward progress...or are my words a rebel band of ninjas seeking to destroy a path in protection of my own insecurities...

Validation

So tonight we had our planning meeting for the up and coming young adult service. As we were talking, Fred said something that really stood out to me. He said that in spending time with someone, we authenticate our relationship with them. He said that his love for steve or I was there regardless and that he knew we could do great things for God, but his love and thoughts of us are authenticated in the time that he spends with us. Now, there's just a few reasons of why hearing this is important. I think the first thing is that you never know how deeply someone cares until the say it. Validation is such a minor thing that can cause such major problems. One of the greatest things my father ever told me was that he loved me, even though I had lost a scholarship to college because of my horrific grades and I did nothing but spend time with a girlfriend that was less than interested in my well being. When he told me that he loved me despite the troubles I had brought upon myself, in a way he was telling me that I can't earn his love, that it'll always be there, whether I want it to or not...which, in and of itself, is a hard concept to grasp on the human level, let alone the divine level. From this unearned love my father also told me that I was a man, and it was this validation that gave me the confidence to overcome many obstacles in my scholastic career and to this point my journey through life.

The second reason that this was huge was it let me know that he valued me as a person. So often I spend my time at church running through tasks that I rarely get to take a breather and just talk much more beyond the "Hi, how are ya?"'s. In a roundabout way, it let me know that he appreciates what I do and the ministries I serve.

Lastly, it never hurts to know that someone loves you.

So through all this I pose this question: Who have you validated today? When was the last time you let someone know how much you love them?

This is one of those weeks where every day seems to bleed in to the next. Not in a way that makes you feel good about it, but in a way that makes you think that you've lived one long, never-ending, bad day. It all started last Thursday. I got to worship practice to find that the sound board we have had everything erased off of it. Lesson hard-learned: back everything up. It's a digital board which for a while made our lives way easier. Now it seems as though the goal of the console is to make life something to not be enjoyed.

On Saturday, I found that my bank account was -$567. Of that amount of money, $208 of it was my spending...the rest was all overdraft fees. I was sick. It was my mistake, I'll admit it. I transferred funds to my savings account before the rent check had cleared. I had figured that my rent check had cleared by the time that I had moved the funds, but obviously I was wrong. So, through calling the bank and explaining the situation, I found that the corporation that currently controls the flow of my finances has absolutely no grace and no mercy, even though in the 13 years that I've had an account in same form or another with their establishment I've always been a good customer and never bounced a check/payment. I called customer service and talked to 3 tiers of associates before I found someone that was willing to help me out, even if it was in the least bit possible. So she told me that she would credit back a minimal amount of funds ,to which I said I guess it's better than nothing, and she told me that no more fees would be assessed. She said that she had taken care of it and I would see all of the information reflected on Tuesday. So what do I find when I check on Thursday night? I find an extra $165 in fees and no credit amounting to $95 (the amount she said that she could credit). So you'll never guess what they told me when I called them about the issue at hand for the second time. "Sorry Mr. Royer, I can't do anything. I understand that if the associate that you talked to said that they would do something for you that it needs to be followed through with, but because it's not the bank's error, there's nothing that I can do." So, let me pose you this question: When did the phrase customer service come to mean doing absolutely nothing?

To top all of this off, we filmed all day Thursday afternoon and evening and when I checked the film on Friday morning, a scene that I thought was filmed had actually not been filmed, so we had to go back Friday morning to re-film the scene and had to wake up at 7:30 am so I could edit before I went to work at Lowes. I also got to wake up at 7:30 am on Saturday morning so I could finish editing before I had to be up at church for sound check. We, fortunately, had more technical problems pretty much all of Saturday night, it felt like I forgot how to play guitar when we stepped on stage to play worship, and due to the technical problems, I had to be at church by 7:00 am this morning to try and work through some of the stuff. I'm tired.

It was mentioned tonight that it seemed like my joy was gone in my work and it made me stop and think. I'm so thankful for my job at the church. I love my work and love the opportunities that I get to use my talents to glorify God. I feel like the main goal of the past two weeks was to push me down and then kick me a couple of times for good measure. But regardless of how much the enemy decides to beat me down...and regardless of what area of my life the enemy decides to pressure, this one thing rings true through my head at this very moment: God's bigger than that. So what if I'm having crippling financial issues, God's bigger than that. So what if I'm tired and just want to sleep and and don't know how much more I can take when I walk through the door at Lowes, God's bigger than that. So what if everything I've worked towards for the past 7 months was for some reason was undone and I'm still feeling the technical ramifications of that, God's bigger than that. Through all the crap that's taken place over the past 2 weeks, I know that God is bigger than all of it and I know that I know that I know that He'll be glorified through this, even if I can't see why or how.

I wish that I was a much more poetic person. Life seems like it would take on a much deeper approach if I was just a little more poetic.

This weekend=float trip...get excited.

I find that when I'm really tired, like eyes burning can't function tired, I like to begin to evaluate life. I can't tell you why this phenomena stands, but it does and thus you should probly go ahead and accept it. Today, for some reason, has been this kind of day. Upon much thought, I can easily conclude that at this point in my life, though at times my stubborness doesn't want to admit, I'm pretty dog-on blessed. I'm employed in jobs that, despite sometimes they make me wanna set my head on fire (just Lowes), are pretty good jobs. I have this beautiful girlfriend that blows me away with her sweet nature and growing desires to just follow God that I'm pretty much head-over-heels for. I have an amazing family, both my actual family and my friends whom I pretty much consider family. I just bought a guitar and I have a roof over my head. As you can see, I'm pretty blessed at this point in life. Flash forward to today. Today, I'm absurdely tired. The kind of tired that makes your eyes burn and you can't function quite right. I slept great last night, well, more like passed out. So why am I so tired? And why is this an ongoing fight?

Here's my thoughts. I had a talk with a good friend last week. She told that the closer I come to becoming full-time within ministry that I'm going to become under attack by the enemy. I'm starting to see it. In all the places I expected to see it and more. My girlfriend and I have been struggling with the whole purity thing. Not only does this take a toll on you emotionally, but it torchers you for the next month to find whether or not the simple "cross the line" mistake turns to a "you made a life changing" mistake. That said, we've been having trouble with that. It seems like I'm always frustrated about something. And thus, I come to you in this tired state of being to bring you this: No matter how bad I screw up, He still loves me. It amazing the way that He shows it...simple yet elegant. I love that God's watching my back.

I said something fairly mean this evening at work...I said that one of the guys I work with looked like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from The Ghostbusters. I laughed for a bit until it really sank in what I was calling this guy. I've managed to, in one phrase, say that a man is mindless, worthless, pudgy and disgusting (cuz come on, who would really want to eat a marshmallow that's been walking around barefoot). I don't want to be known as a person who's always cynical and sarcastic and trying to make sure everyone else feels bad about themselves.

I never wanted to do to people what's seemingly been done to me my scholastic career through high school. I've been fighting a terrible attitude everytime I walk through that doors of on my way to work. Now, unfortunately, this extends to both jobs...the one at church and that one at Lowes. The Lowes job is easy to figure out: I don't want to be there because that's not where I feel like my life is headed. So I show up for what feels like mindless work where I end up working until close to 11 at night, not because I like work but because it seems like no one else does much in my department and I have to make up for the slack. I'm asked to do the job above me more often than not, yet I'm not given all the tools needed to do said job, I'm not compensated for it, and rarely is the time that I'm thanked.

On the other hand, you've got the job at church. Most of you are wondering how anyone could have a problem working at a church, but let me reassure you, there is nothing harder. Life feels like it's constantly under attack. I work an absurd amount of more hours than I'm paid for. It feels like people throw new tasks at me not because it's my job, but because they know I'll do it. I hate feeling used because it hurts and sometimes I feel so drained and tired that I don't have the faintest idea what to do. But through all the stuff that weighs me down, I know that God will pull through. I pray that I live by my love and that with every breathe I'm encouraging and reassuring someone. Forgive me for being so mean to someone that is made so beautiful. Heal Me. I love You Father.

I think that life is a journey....and where that journey ends is up to us. We have this all loving God that when I think I begin to understand where he's taking me, He throws up a detour sign and I end up somewhere's else. This journey we're on is truley an adventure, and whether or not we choose to ackknowledge it, there are forces that try to keep disguising the way to our final destination. I want to be a great boyfriend, a great friend, a great brother, a great son, a great father, and a great husband, and all the pieces are here for me to be all of those things, but how often do I ignore them? The only way to being any of the aforementioned is through constantly trying to become more and more like Christ, but how hard do I try? Not very, so it would seem to me. I want to be so much more like Christ and I want it to be so obvious of my love for God through my actions/words of love that it's unmistakable to the naked eye of where I stand...but have I even come close to hitting that mark? Of all the things that I know I should do, time with God is one of them...probly the biggest. I love my girlfriend so deeply and passionately, but for however much I love her, I love God that much more. So why don't I give Him the courtesy of my time? Because it's so much easier for me not to go before the one person that sees me at the very core of how I'm made. I believe that I'm scared to go so deep and see what it is that God wants me to release to Him. I'm so scared of hearing that I may have missed the point, or done something so boneheaded that there's no turning back...and just when all these thoughts start hitting the fan and I feel like I'm trapped, I realize that He loves me regardless. No matter what I do, there's this amazing, loving God waiting for me, just patiently waiting for me to come home. I know this is probly a longer and more raw look into who I am than I usually feel comfortable giving. Welcome to my journey. I love my God, my family, and my girlfriend. Just in case your interested, welcome to my life...my adventure.