I find that when I'm really tired, like eyes burning can't function tired, I like to begin to evaluate life. I can't tell you why this phenomena stands, but it does and thus you should probly go ahead and accept it. Today, for some reason, has been this kind of day. Upon much thought, I can easily conclude that at this point in my life, though at times my stubborness doesn't want to admit, I'm pretty dog-on blessed. I'm employed in jobs that, despite sometimes they make me wanna set my head on fire (just Lowes), are pretty good jobs. I have this beautiful girlfriend that blows me away with her sweet nature and growing desires to just follow God that I'm pretty much head-over-heels for. I have an amazing family, both my actual family and my friends whom I pretty much consider family. I just bought a guitar and I have a roof over my head. As you can see, I'm pretty blessed at this point in life. Flash forward to today. Today, I'm absurdely tired. The kind of tired that makes your eyes burn and you can't function quite right. I slept great last night, well, more like passed out. So why am I so tired? And why is this an ongoing fight?

Here's my thoughts. I had a talk with a good friend last week. She told that the closer I come to becoming full-time within ministry that I'm going to become under attack by the enemy. I'm starting to see it. In all the places I expected to see it and more. My girlfriend and I have been struggling with the whole purity thing. Not only does this take a toll on you emotionally, but it torchers you for the next month to find whether or not the simple "cross the line" mistake turns to a "you made a life changing" mistake. That said, we've been having trouble with that. It seems like I'm always frustrated about something. And thus, I come to you in this tired state of being to bring you this: No matter how bad I screw up, He still loves me. It amazing the way that He shows it...simple yet elegant. I love that God's watching my back.

I said something fairly mean this evening at work...I said that one of the guys I work with looked like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from The Ghostbusters. I laughed for a bit until it really sank in what I was calling this guy. I've managed to, in one phrase, say that a man is mindless, worthless, pudgy and disgusting (cuz come on, who would really want to eat a marshmallow that's been walking around barefoot). I don't want to be known as a person who's always cynical and sarcastic and trying to make sure everyone else feels bad about themselves.

I never wanted to do to people what's seemingly been done to me my scholastic career through high school. I've been fighting a terrible attitude everytime I walk through that doors of on my way to work. Now, unfortunately, this extends to both jobs...the one at church and that one at Lowes. The Lowes job is easy to figure out: I don't want to be there because that's not where I feel like my life is headed. So I show up for what feels like mindless work where I end up working until close to 11 at night, not because I like work but because it seems like no one else does much in my department and I have to make up for the slack. I'm asked to do the job above me more often than not, yet I'm not given all the tools needed to do said job, I'm not compensated for it, and rarely is the time that I'm thanked.

On the other hand, you've got the job at church. Most of you are wondering how anyone could have a problem working at a church, but let me reassure you, there is nothing harder. Life feels like it's constantly under attack. I work an absurd amount of more hours than I'm paid for. It feels like people throw new tasks at me not because it's my job, but because they know I'll do it. I hate feeling used because it hurts and sometimes I feel so drained and tired that I don't have the faintest idea what to do. But through all the stuff that weighs me down, I know that God will pull through. I pray that I live by my love and that with every breathe I'm encouraging and reassuring someone. Forgive me for being so mean to someone that is made so beautiful. Heal Me. I love You Father.

I think that life is a journey....and where that journey ends is up to us. We have this all loving God that when I think I begin to understand where he's taking me, He throws up a detour sign and I end up somewhere's else. This journey we're on is truley an adventure, and whether or not we choose to ackknowledge it, there are forces that try to keep disguising the way to our final destination. I want to be a great boyfriend, a great friend, a great brother, a great son, a great father, and a great husband, and all the pieces are here for me to be all of those things, but how often do I ignore them? The only way to being any of the aforementioned is through constantly trying to become more and more like Christ, but how hard do I try? Not very, so it would seem to me. I want to be so much more like Christ and I want it to be so obvious of my love for God through my actions/words of love that it's unmistakable to the naked eye of where I stand...but have I even come close to hitting that mark? Of all the things that I know I should do, time with God is one of them...probly the biggest. I love my girlfriend so deeply and passionately, but for however much I love her, I love God that much more. So why don't I give Him the courtesy of my time? Because it's so much easier for me not to go before the one person that sees me at the very core of how I'm made. I believe that I'm scared to go so deep and see what it is that God wants me to release to Him. I'm so scared of hearing that I may have missed the point, or done something so boneheaded that there's no turning back...and just when all these thoughts start hitting the fan and I feel like I'm trapped, I realize that He loves me regardless. No matter what I do, there's this amazing, loving God waiting for me, just patiently waiting for me to come home. I know this is probly a longer and more raw look into who I am than I usually feel comfortable giving. Welcome to my journey. I love my God, my family, and my girlfriend. Just in case your interested, welcome to my life...my adventure.