reflecting on reflections

i'm in one of those moods where i would love to reflect, but don't have any clue as to what to reflect on. i'm coming to you from latte´ land (i kinda feel like i'm cheating). but, regardless of where it is that i broadcast from, this is where i feel like i should be. what other details in life should i be looking for? i have a feeling that my life is going to start to get a little turned up on it's head. i kind of think thats what God has been preparing me for…chaos. before this year, life was going smoothly without much question to any part of it. that was then, this is now. this year has been out there. i've hit financial troubles, relationship troubles, lice epidemics, chronic car problems, and so on an so forth. but i made it through all of it…as wierd as it is to think that, i made it through all of the trials. in spite of everything thats been thrown at me, i'm still here. i'm still kickin. and are you ready for the real shocker? as of late, i've been feeling much more joyful of my endeavors. i feel like i'm beginning to do things with passion and inspiration again. i want to not live life according to a bunch of motions that are in line with what "life should look like". i want and desire a life of passion and energy and inspiration of the divine nature. i want a life that has nothing but a divine breath of life with every word and action and note and beat and lyric. i want to be unmistakably filled with a life beyond life.

Oh you're everything I'm wanting
Come to think of it, I'm aching
On account of my transgression..
Will you welcome this confession?

I know it's crazy but I'm hoping to..
To take a hold of you

and i think thats what i'm least impressed with myself on. don't get me wrong, i don't mean to sound arrogant, but of all my character flaws, i think that the one i wish that i could change the most would be my inability to quiet myself and just listen. i think that life would go much smoother if i would just quiet myself and listen…to everything. what would life look like knowing where to go and what to say, not what i wanted for either, but what He wanted me to say. like i said, a life existence made entirely of divine exhalings. sends chills down my spine it would be so good. many chills.

The Lifeblood of Coffee

I'm tired. Super tired. I didn't sleep well last night. I kept having ideas and thoughts run through my head and I couldn't calm down or wear myself out. I shot up at about 1 or 1:30 in the morning (knowing that I had to be up at 6:30 this morning) and had a great idea for a parody video. I'm super stoked about the next 2 videos that we're gonna try and kick out. Brandon and I are going to get together at some point today and work some ideas out. I'm excited about 'em…should be pretty funny. Just so you know the history of Brandon and I's writing, we've essentially written 3 scripts and made one video. The video we made was super humorous if you like dry, sarcastic humour and know anything about who we were talking about. The second script had was possibly the funniest thing I've ever read, let alone written…and it was mysteriously deleted. The third one we did was pretty funny, but it was for the sole purpose of advertising something and we were given way too short of notice to actually produce the video in time for when it needed to be shown. So, that said, with these two upcoming scripts, hopefully we'll have time to actually do them. Now all we need is the proper software to get the job done (one of them will be experimenting with something I've never done before that I don't actually have the software to pull off yet). Anywho, that's what's going on in my world…let's see what's happening in your neck of the woods!

I just don't know

Every now and again I get scared. Not uneasy…hurts to breath, don't know where I'm at scared. Ever happen to you? I can't explain the feeling…but I assure you that it's not a pleasant one. Whit is still in San Diego. She gets back Thursday. I miss her so much. When I'm with her, it just feels right and good. My world is caving in because I don't know what to do. She's probly going to move back to San Diego…when you're with her there, you just get this feeling that she belongs. I love her and don't know what to do. I guess that I just need to humble myself and seek direction.

Stay Classy, San Diego

So here I am…San Diego. Where I’m staying doesn’t have wireless. Not a huge deal, but once you get used to such a commodity, you almost feel naked without it. Speaking of naked, I’ve got nothing to tie in to such a point…although I might buy a wireless router, if’n I can find an apple store around here (kinda hard cuz I don’t have a wireless connection). Anywho, I woke up according to the time that I usually do based on the central time zone, which is usually around 7:30 or so…which means that I woke up at 5:30 pacific time. Sucks, I know. So I tried to sleep for an hour and seemingly failed, and at 6:30 I called my dad. Then I went outside and read for about an hour. I love mornings…I wish that I enjoyed more of them. The day hasn’t yet had a chance to take a turn for the worse. How cynical is that thought? Ever get that thought running and just let it go? It’s not a good thing. The day is ruined when you give that thought free reign on your mind. I think that’s why God tells us to capture our thoughts and be very wary of what goes on in our intellectual realm. One thought can ruin a day…a year…a decade…it can make us get up in the morning and go to bed at night. Who knew that one thought could be so inspiring and so destructive.
I love writing. I really feel that God begins to reveal things to me when I write. I wish that I did it more. Such is life, I would imagine…or at least the American view of how life should be. Too busy to live. Somewhere along the line, I decided to buy into this way of life…hasn’t payed off so much. In being too busy to live life, I challenge my relationships with everyone to push a line farther than was ever meant to be pushed. In some cases, I’ve even pushed people away…how does that work? How is it that we can justify pushing people away in pursuit of employment? Sub-ponder: why is it that every time I begin to draw lines between work and life that more attempts are made to blur that line further than previously has been blurred? My answer: War. We’re at war. You, me, war. It’s a life that we’ve been born in to whether or not we realize it. For every advancement that I make in my spiritual life, there’s an opposing force there to meet me with equal and opposite force against whatever steps I may have taken. Newton sure hit that one on the head…makes you wonder if maybe he was talking less about physics and more about life, you know? Either way, I leave you with this. No matter what life throws at you, it’s never as bad as you think it is…when you’re in the middle of the storm, you’re too scared to see the beauty of what’s being orchestrated on around you.

I'm not the only one...

So, in a dialogue with a man of whom I deeply respect, I finally un-earthed my long since buried dislike of Ford motor vehicles. That's right, I said it. Ford may be my least favorite of automobile manufacturers. Have you ever seen a Ford Ranger that doesn't have a dent in the front fender? The answer is no, you haven't. I know that I've gotten into an accident in mine. Why, may you ask, does every Ranger have a dent in the front. Well, let me tell you. The brakes don't work. Seriously. You slam on the brakes because the moron in front of you doesn't really know how to drive, and WHAM. You hit 'em anyway. How does that work? How is it that the brakes have only one job and it can't quite fullfill it's duty? I will say this, would this happen in most corporations throughout America with personnel, said personnel wouldn't be working at said corporation for very long.

There is a point, I promise. Through this conversation, i realized something. Even though I'm worn down and tired, God used Cameron to ignite a fire within me. God showed me that He wired me to function against the grain…that no matter how drained and abused I'm feeling, there's still a holy fire that burns within me waiting to explode and consume and ignite other fires. How amazing would it be to see such a holy wildfire ignite and burn and consume. I tell you, we're in the middle of it. Lives are changing and minds are being blown away with grace and mercy. This brings me to my other point.

I'm up at the church today to do some work. For being part-time, I've got a substantial workload. Regardless, my plans for the evening got pushed back and I was fairly frustrated with this. It was really eating away at me and I was dreading having to stay longer. So I had to leave and give a friend of mine's father a ride to the airport. We had a pleasent conversation on the way up and on the way back to church I heard a Death Cab for Cutie song playing. I think that Death Cab writes with an incredible sense of how to make you picture the scene surrounding each lyric that is sung. Either way, this song just caused me to begin picturing life and through this picture, I think that God was trying to tell that it's time that I slow down and enjoy Him. I keep running harder and faster with each passing week and feeling evermore tired and drained and I think that God's trying to tell me that I need to let Him handle the workload and let Him take care of the time, that He made me to enjoy Him...how refreshing a feeling. Finally, life was meant to be lived and enjoyed and I feel like He's giving me permission to do so. Life will get you down…that's obvious. But when you're in so deep that you can't see out, there's a guiding light waiting for you, patiently, to show you the way home. I promise.

I love You. I love God. I love life.